Taking a Step Back.

Sometimes it’s hard not to get overwhelmed and absorbed with everything that’s going on in your life. It’s easy to make things the be all and end all of your life at that moment in time, because you feel that’s what’s really important to you. But quite often, it’s not.

Lately I’ve been seriously freaking out about college, because of my incident in November where I overdosed and put myself in hospital, I missed most of Block 1 (5 classes) and I haven’t done most of Block 2 (another 5) and Block 3 is just about to start (5 again). you have to pass all 15 classes in order to pass the course. I really don’t see it happening. The only reason I’m so stressed out about it is because of my family. They are making it seem like it really is the end of the world if I fail this year. But to me, it isn’t.

To me the end of the world is if I lose this new found happiness that I feel like I’ve been blessed with lately. The end of the world is if someone close to me is badly hurt, or if someone dies. It is not the end of the world if I don’t pass a stupid insignificant college course.

It’s horrible but it’s usually bad things that make me take a step back and realise what’s important. I just found out today that my best friend’s little sister, Claire, her best friend Caitlin just had a heart attack. She’s 13. 13! 13 years old, and she just had a heart attack. It doesn’t look like she’s going to pull through, and there was no indication of there being anything wrong beforehand. She just started feeling sick, said she was going to run a bath, and her mum found her on the bathroom floor, her heart had stopped. 13. It’s horrific.

It’s things like that that make me realise how trivial some problems are. Almost as if they’re designed to give people a slap in the face and give them some perspective on life. Sigh, I don’t know…

(via limitlessfaithinthesource)

I’m Okay.

I’m okay. Okay. Me.

I never thought those two simple words would have such an effect on me. But lately, it’s true. I actually feel okay. For the first time in approximately five years, I don’t feel like I’m struggling through life like it’s a guilt trip because everyone else wants me to. I wake up in the morning and my first thought isn’t, “fuck. awake again.”. I wake up in the morning. I don’t sleep all day just to try and keep the world away for a little bit longer. I actually have the motivation to do things. To talk to people. To be alive.

I don’t know what triggered it. A combination of things going well for the past little while (well, really just meeting David last May and getting to know him over the past months), the dosage in my antidepressants being upped, etc.

A lot of it is definitely to do with David, for sure. I love that guy to bits, honestly. He has no idea how much he means to me. I love everything about him, and I love the person he brings out in me. He makes me feel like it’s okay to be me, and not be scared of everyone judging that person. I hope that one day he realizes what an amazing person he is, because he truly is the most amazing, kind, funny, NICE, (the list goes on for miles, but this blog is about me, damnit!) person I have ever had the privilege (lol, david) to meet. He’s one of few (literally maybe two, or three?) people that I have had in my life that I’ve thought; Please, don’t ever leave.

Sure, I still have very low self-confidence, and self-esteem, but - I don’t care what other people think, really. Maybe a select few, but in the long run, life’s too short to care about what other people think of you. Especially when I know I’m a good person. I’m not evil, I don’t do anything wrong; so if someone doesn’t like me, it’s a clash of personality, or them not liking things that I like, etc. Simple as that. Not everyone will like me, and I’m okay with that now.

There are definitely things about myself I still want to change, that isn’t different. I’m still not happy with my weight, and I still want to put more effort into my social life, etc. (One directly affects the other there; I have to stop caring - so much - about my weight, because it stops me going out with friends etc) But I feel like for once, they aren’t the most important things. The most important thing is that I’m alive, I’m happy, and the people I love are alive and happy. The rest can be dealt with over time.

At the same time, this whole thing is very scary, I wont lie. Since I was 13, I’ve been living with depression, suicidal thoughts haunting me nearly every minute of every day, unless I had a distraction of some sort. So, that’s how I know how to live. Whilst I’m certainly not upset about not having those thoughts, it’s strange to function without them, and when I think about it too much, I get scared - how do I function without them? But, the answer, I think, is just to not think about it too much, and just get on with it. Just live life, and STOP thinking things through so much.

Just live. Just breathe. Just smile, and be happy. And make others happy. That’s what matters.

Mac ‘n’ cheeeeeeese!

Had a great wee day with David today. (:

donotevenunderstand asked: I love you more than Cats love French Toast. <333 xxxxxxxx

My oh my :3 Tehe! ^.^ xxxx

It always seems hard for me to keep a blog up to date, but with this one I’ve decided not to pressure myself into updating like I used to. I’ll update when I feel like it, when I have something to say.

I think the reason I find it so difficult to keep it updated is because my state of mind changes so much. I know that everyone has ups and downs, but I find that I can have about ten ups and downs within the space of a few hours. It can and has made life very challenging, and trying to get people to understand it is a nightmare, as they are understandably confused about how I can possibly be over the moon happy one minute, and then kill me now depressed the next.

To be fair it’s taken me a long time to realise that not everyone is like this, and that it’s something I’m going to have to learn to deal with. I think I’m starting, very, very slowly to do so. I’ve been a lot more productive lately, because I’ve just been giving myself breaks when i feel like I need them. Pushing myself, a little too, to do five minutes more before I take a break. I don’t mean that I take a break every ten minutes, but just that when I DO take a break, I don’t hate myself for it. I HAVE to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I’m one of those people that does not work well under pressure, i just break. Everyone’s different, and I wish I was one of those people that strives with pressure, but I’m just not and that’s that.

Not trying to do EVERYTHING at once is a big step for me too. That’s usually where I get stuck. I want to change SO many things, and I try and do it all at once, but it’s just too much for me to cope. I need to focus on individual things, get into the jist of it, and then I can start on something else.

Starting to realise that the little things matter, but they aren’t of life or death importance. I wont die if I don’t do that one thing today and do it tomorrow instead. I wont die if I eat two meals in one day. Not even just the little things - big things too. They are of course more important, as they might affect a lot of what happens in my life, but I just have to take a breath and think rationally and do what my heart tells me to do. The world isn’t going to end because of doing something wrong - because I wont let it (: Everyone makes mistakes, but the only mistake I will ever feel bad about is the mistake of not learning from my mistakes. :P

Anyway, this is such a ramble ^-^ bla bla bla (: x

Anonymous asked: please don't worry, beautiful darling, everything is going to get better really soon, i promise. you are so loved and so important to this world, don't ever forget how perfect you are just the way you are. i love you with all that i am. god bless your heart :)

Aw. This is sweet. Why anon? You’re lovely. Thank you. <3 x

Actually feeling so fucking shit it’s unbelievable. Sick of always coming back to this. Tired of feeling crappy. Tired of the mood swings. Tired of having no energy to do anything. Tired of having no self control. Tired of pretending. Tired of being a failure. Tired of being fat. Tired of being stupid. Tired of being boring. Just fucking tired.

I don’t even know why I feel so shit. That’s the worst fucking part. I wish I had a reason, because when I’m like this it’s almost like I try and make up reasons for it, and I don’t even know if they’re true or not. It makes me feel like I’m losing it, like I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. Am I really miserable at college? Or is that just my brains way of justifying feeling like shit for no reason? Etc. And then when I start thinking about that I can’t help but wonder if I’m ever actually happy or if I’m just pretending to myself that I am. I just don’t know. I really don’t know. I’m a fucking nut case.

It’s horrible but at times like this I just wish that my attempt wasn’t an attempt. But I even fucking failed at that. What a loser.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

All I can see is php. Working through the night again. Got so much done again though! Happy with how productive I am at the moment. It seems to be taking my mind off things that are bothering me, because whenever I stop I get a bit down, for seemingly no reason. I just have to keep going, ‘til i pass out. xD

Actually SO tired though, and this php and mysql stuff is melting my brain at the moment. I can’t wait ‘til the day I actually understand this shit properly, and not like, 50% of it. :’)

Can’t stop yawning and my eyes are watering xD Aw dear.

Bla bla bla

Haven’t really been blogging much ‘cause I’ve been busy being productive doing other things, for once. But I’m still alive. Currently printing off photos to make a photo wall in my room, which should be fun. (: Feeling so crappy though. I was fine the past few days, I genuinely dunno if it’s just college that makes me feel so shit, but it feels like it is. I really hate mondays. More than the usual monday hatred - the class in the morning just makes me lose the will to live and I find myself counting down the minutes ‘til I can leave (if I even wait until the end of class, usually I wait til break and go home because I’m so sick of it). It’s very annoying.

It’s not the people in my class, or anything. It’s just the work. And the lecturer of that class. The work is so outdated and it’s frustrating to know that you’re working on something that you aren’t going to use in the future, that isn’t going to benefit you. I was discussing it with my classmates today and they all agree - we all prefer teaching ourselves, at home, because we feel we are far more productive and up to date with the latest technology, coding etc. And the lecturer doesn’t help us at all. She tries to simplify what we’re supposed to be doing, I think, but in the process somehow manages to over complicate it completely, and we all end up totally lost about what we’re supposed to be doing.

It’s so tiring. I go in every Monday in the frame of mind that this week will be different, I just need to apply myself and get the stuff done and it will be fine, but the class is just draining on the soul. It really is. I’m dreading going in tomorrow just because I’m so tired from today, to be honest.  I can do the work and all, I’d just prefer do it at home away from the lecturer who is just not helpful in the slightest.

Also, my mum was being a pain again earlier. Again with the goddamn eating thing. She has recently bought a blender thing for making shakes with, and she’s under the impression that she doesn’t have to eat anything ever because she’s having one of these shakes every two days. It’s doing my head in. She keeps complaining about how she’s so tired and doesn’t understand why and everything. It’s obvious why. You’re not eating. You have no energy. You’re going to be tired. Earlier on I tried gently talking to her and saying that she can’t just have a shake every two days, she needs to eat something as well. I got told to ‘shut up and fuck off’. Nice.

My mood’s really up and down atm. For a few days I felt really good, and I was happy because I was being productive, but today I’m just so out of energy for anything. At least I’ve been eating, though, lol. Sigh. :/

Argh, this is basically just a rant blog because I wanted to post something and it ended up just being what’s on my mind. :’)